and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
