The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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