Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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