My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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