Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
And then he peed in my hair
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