Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
