We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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