how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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