Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
