Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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