I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
