wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
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I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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