Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
