i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I want her autograph on my taint
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
