One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
