Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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