Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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