Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
