i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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