this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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