So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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