You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
bring money and cleavage
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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