I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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