Well apparently he's into motor boating.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
