Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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