I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
