Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
