Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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