Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We have started to decorate penises.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
