FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
