I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
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Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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