She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
