...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
