if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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