my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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