just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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