then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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