my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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