She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
