I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
