i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I've blown a few things in my day
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
