I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
