My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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