i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
