when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's rum buckets o'clock
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
