Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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