omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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