do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
