Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
