I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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