11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
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you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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