idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Is Oprah even human
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
