And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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