If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
