Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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