Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My vagina is officially offended.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
