Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
