Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
