just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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