I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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