I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
