You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
